My Journey Through Grief Towards Restoration and Hope
It Can Happen When We Least Expect It
Nothing ever prepares a person for an unexpected loss of someone they love. In a blink of eye, everything before you can shatter and change in an instant. In November of 2021, that happened to me. One minute my husband and I were planning to have a nice lunch out as we regularly enjoyed only to find at that same time, we were not having lunch, but racing to the emergency room in an ambulance. It can happen and when we least expect it.
I reflect on past times of such great joy and happiness and remember often thinking to myself prior to this happening, “Thank you, Lord, for this beautiful life.” My faith in Jesus/God has always been deep and strong since being a younger girl. However, in my younger adult years, I did have long stretches of being that prodigal daughter. Even in those times, His presence was with me – calling me back home to Him. I came back home to Him in trust and closeness.
Loss of a Spouse
I married the love of my life. We were such best friends with a closeness not often found in one another. It is true in scripture, Mark 10:8-10 New King James Version (NKJV): “and the two shall become one flesh’; so, then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let not man separate.” The loss and void of losing a spouse is so profound on a person’s life that words simply cannot convey the impact to their being (soul). I now faced such an immense shattering, emptiness, grief, and purposelessness to life, even when surrounded by such a loving family. There is nowhere to run or hide from it. Unfortunately, we must go through it.
When we arrived in the emergency room, the circumstances began to improve and all was well again, until it was not. Little did I know that was the last time words would be spoken between my beloved husband and myself, at least while on this earth together.
Is it God’s Fault?
When someone we love dies, we can choose to run away, be angry and blame God, or we can choose to draw close to Him. I never blamed God but drew closer to Him. This was the time that I needed Him most. There is hope and restoration in the latter. Psalm 147:3 states, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” This did not mean that I would not go through the greatest of sadness down to the core of my soul. There was nothing that would prevent going through that, however, I have been clinging to Him for healing of a broken heart and immeasurable sadness.
God does not cause bad things to happen, but we live in a world (at least for now) where both good and evil exists. God asks us to choose the way of the cross and gives us free will to do so.
A Letter to the Father
On March 12th, 2022 (just under 4 months of my husband’s passing), I wrote a letter to our Father in Heaven (in my journal – what was on my heart), and this is what it said:
“Father, thank you. Please forgive me and have mercy and grace upon me during this time. I am sorry for my fits of anger. The grief has been the most unbearable path I have ever had to endure. I do not want to lose sight of thanking you for the greatest gift you have given my husband. That is life with you [beyond this place on earth]. This journey on earth, although seems long, is a blink in comparison to our eternity with you. A life beyond what we can ever imagine.
Thank you, that my beloved husband, [his name], is with you. Although my heart has been broken in two and shattered, I am forever grateful and thankful that he accepted you as his Lord and Savior and he is Your child. That point alone gives hope. I would go through this agonizing grief repeatedly if that was the price for him to be with You. I love you, Father God.
Father, please let my husband know how much we all love and miss him.
Your child, [my name]”
Appreciating the Time We Had
I heard it said, rather than saying “God, why did you take [name of your loved one] from me,” say, “God, thank you for the time we had together.” Let us be grateful for the time we had with our loved one and to have known and loved them. Our lives are blessed so much more for having them in our lives.
The Road Towards Restoration
It has been close to eight months now since losing my husband and best friend, and the sadness and loneliness is still extremely deep. As the months have gone on, there are small signs of a slow restoration. When we truly give our life to Christ and trust in Him, there is hope, restoration and purpose. God has a purpose for each one of us. Jeremiah 29:11 states, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
I started Portal of Hope to bring a message of hope through God’s Word. There is hope, no matter what circumstances are in your life. For me and our family and with God’s grace and direction, good shall immerse from this unexpected tragedy. Romans 8:28, “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”
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